Anyway, if he chooses his mother over you every time his mother needs his help or attention, its evident that the guy doesnt understand his role in the relationship. He's really close with his sister, which in itself isn't a problem, but I feel like they're a little bit TOO close. They had an arranged marriage after migrating to the U.S., where my boyfriend was born. and our Ya thats weird. its just super annoying to me that he constantly wants to go to his family dinners & parties instead of spending time with just the two of us. Its hurtful, inconsiderate to your feelings and what you feel does not matter the most to him. Krieszta Follow Xper 4 Age: 32 We are together fo almost two years. Maybe for your bf also. Overall, I try to be understanding. But I did it anyway. I dont want to have any regrets when he dies. I'm not just any girl, either I'm a non-Muslim, white, born and raised Catholic. They need to stay out of it to help you grow. or situations/content involving minors. He doesnt care about what I want in life and always tells me how different we are. In the end, when I say that I dont feel like hanging out with his friends and that I want to just stay at home and just chill with us two, he gets frustrated with me and turns it on me, making me feel like crap in the end, making us ending up chilling with his friends. ZjNjNmU4YWIyYmUwNGU5ZWE2MTQ2OTgzODY4NjAzNTM5MDBkMjMyZDcxMjYy Its time to take care of my needs and think about myself. He still tells me things will work out, but it seems hopeless because he never spends any time with me. Why Do I Keep Seeing My Ex-Boyfriend's Name Everywhere? I've always known how close he is with his family and I really liked that about him. Thats the only way hell regain some independence and demonstrate that he respects you and prioritizes you. it wont stop here. His mom. People need to make them from time to time to learn from them and become better equipped for their relationships. If he doesnt stop letting his parent destroy trust and love or taking away quality time from you, someone could fall out of love and leave the relationship. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. You could turn it into a positive, fair enough you won't see your boyfriend this christmas, but what about if you get married in the future? MjM2NzcyODM2MTM5NWEyOTRjNTg1YjMyNmQ5YjJmODRmYjc1ZGQ1MDE0ZDA4 His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. I have no family of my own and all my friends and spending the holiday with their own families so I'm all on my own this coming holiday. This isnt just unhealthy but also damaging to the relationship. But I feel disregarded all the time. I do not know if I am only asking for too much of his time or if he really chooses his family over me. YzYwMGU2ZDQ3OTBlNzg0Y2U5ODMxYWU0ZjFmNDIwYWNlMWI5MDM0ZmE4OGI0 I am also the boyfriend in this situation. Have a talk with him and ask him to hang out with you more often. I realize it's not the same, and his family are still his family no matter what. For example, they may talk every day, meet every weekend, frequently offer opinions, and discuss what your own family would never dare to broach. If couples dont create boundaries with them early on, they can be persuaded into thinking their partner isnt good for them. My boyfriend Boyfriend and I conflicted over how to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas together, Wont spend time with me, won't let me meet family. If he is prepared, you can give him some healthy suggestions on how to make you a priority and his mother someone he speaks with (not over-relies on). I need to accept it or move on I guess. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, am I the asshole? I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. There are some men that have been so programmed to "choose" their mother that even when they get married the wife does not end up in first place. February 28, 2023. Therefore questions . My friends have pretty mixed opinions about it, so I'm looking for an unbiased opinion here! Im not going to give up on him. Unfortunately an ultimatum is the only option in a position like this imo. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. You make everything more clear and easier to understand. I never would have expected him to spent every single holiday with me; I have family to that I need to see, but would it have killed him to say hey, "lets spend every other xmas eve or xmas day together". (I had to wait for a way down the road. What billybill is saying. The Top 4 Different Types Of Breakups And How To Get Over? my boyfriend (25m) always chooses his family over me (23f). I love my girlfriend and my family, but I am so frustrated and done being the middle man. We were so in love, but he chose his daughter over me. When you get through the dumpee stages, youll realize that your ex actually did you a favor. Hes not just going to magically change. NTU0NDYzMWY3YzZmMDYzOTQyZDNjMjE3NGMzNTQzNmI0ODY4OGE4ZTBjM2Nh ODMzMTU0MDAxMzkzYzQ4M2ZmNjU3NjhhNTY1ZmEzNDZmNjZiZWZkZjgyY2Zk Mumsnet carries some affiliate marketing links, so if you buy something through our posts, we may get a small share of the sale (more details here). She hates my dad. Rotate, take turns, whatever.but partner should be compromising to try and spend a holiday with you once in a while. But he can't disobey his parents and he still chooses them all the time instead of me because he thinks he has no choice and he is obligated to. My boyfriend chooses his family over me? Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Extremely close. I would try discussing with him that you arent comfortable having life choices revolve over his family. Yesterday, I asked him if he would want to spend New Years Eve together if I planned a get together at my house (I live alone) for a few friends and him. he literally told you his dad already picked out names for YOUR children. I came back home to spend my Summer holidays with my parents. Either there is a separation or there is no relationship. ZDQyY2M3YmMwOTNiNzQ3MTg1MTFkMjNhMDMzNTM1M2E2YzBhYjJmNDI3ZDk2 At the end of the day he will choose his children over you if you kick off or refuse to speak to them. I feel at times and most recently that he doesnt love me anymore but he just doesnt know how to break up with me because lately this has been happening a lot and Im tired of fighting, I really love him. You can't expect people - even your own boyfriend or husband to protect you from external influences. October 11, 2022 by Zan. Copyright 2023 - SmartRelationshipTips.Com | All Rights Reserved. Without me of course. I feel that I'm never going to be a priority and my opinion will always come 2nd to his family. Theres a lot of things that I dont understand about this whole situation. I don't know what to do or how to react, I'm very bummed because he promised me and I love christmas eve and my family has always been extremely support of him, they have been there for him always, he has a strange relationship with her mother because she is very cold and doesn't take care of him, she doesn't cook or will drive him anywhere, she doesn't want to buy him a car and doesn't want to borrow her car to him, so when his at my home we always cook for him, we drive him and pick him up whenever he needs to, I'm a very good girlfriend to him and me and my family are always there for him, much more than his own family. If your husband is choosing his family over you repeatedly, then you have to remember he has been psychologically conditioned to do so since his childhood. I have a friend who is trying to get away from this dynamic. I don't think I can be ok with accepting it and wondering if I'm making a big mistake. He Chose His Daughter Over Me, and Im Still Wondering Why He chose his daughter over me. He is at her house 2xs daily sometimes 3. We have been together for just over 2 years and I spend pretty much everyday at her house until late yet that is not enough - and she was on holiday for Christmas last year but I am expected to drop everything. Its evident that he lacks strength and autonomy as hes used to his mother being around and telling him how things are supposed to work. Njk4MGFjZTRhMzJlYzkwNzVkNDAxNjU5M2IyMTNlYzY5NjVjYjFhMmZjNzE5 Its not unusual for men to listen to their mothers as many sons and mothers have strong bonds and get along well. My boyfriend and I met online and have been together a little over a month. Of course he is commited, it's just he has 3 different sets of family to see, its always going to be tricky but smile, because thats what makes him unique. I'm thinking of ending my 4yr. & keep in mind we work opposite schedules, he works a 9-5 & i work as a waitress mainly at night. my boyfriend (25m) always chooses his family over me (23f). Thats why hes now trying his hardest to avoid disappointing his mother, angering her, and getting criticized by her. I dont know what I did wrong. I am still struggling to understand why he chose his daughter over me. My advice is to talk about it with the guy first and try to resolve things. Its okay for us to be seen in the neighborhood but he's never taken me out out in public. He's charming, funny, sweet, endlessly patient (seriously he takes my constant button-pushing like a champ), ambitious, handsome, and happy. You raise kids who have no idea what a loving, high-functioning, healthy, mutually respectful marriage looks like. You are his family too. Your boyfriend is basically letting his mother control him and making him seem incapable of maintaining his relationship It was too much for me to deal with, and I thought the best thing for us was to part ways. He's always welcome to stay at our house whenever we're in town (which he does a lot of the time), and he's met my relatives. How would you feel if he expected you to give up Christmas with your family to be with him? I know we were raised differently. You shouldnt stay with someone whose life revolves around his mother. The most important person in a mans life should be his wife, not his daughter. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. This might be the last with her. She thinks I hate her because I am not spending it with her? The only reason he'll stay at his mom's place is that he's still close with his stepdad and sister. Hes always doing everything with her because of that! That is complete BS. Do not emphasize this too much maybe. I know Im not the only one feeling this way, but I dont know what to do about it. My girlfriend has asked me to spend Christmas with her knowing that all my family are coming from a few states away. Thanks this is really helpful. Relationships are one of the prime factors in life. If you believe Wordfence should be allowing you access to this site, please let them know using the steps below so they can investigate why this is happening. And that wont solve any problems. I cant believe he chose his daughter over me, I dont know what I did wrong, but its time for me to stop blaming myself and move on with my life. OTgzNTVlZjFhNTE4OGMwNjExNjYzNGEyZDYxNDM1Mzc3ZGM4OTRlMjljMzY0 Your boyfriend is enmeshed with his family and values their opinions and approval over yours. NmM5ZjBhNTI5NjdiZTRjOWRmNzRmMDVhNzk3YzYzNGE1ZmZhMjEzZjdlMTBl Will definitely have another talk with him about setting boundaries and go from there. However, today i cooked a special dinner & hardly had any time to spend with him csuse he slept most of the day . Boyfriend choses family over me on holidays, By entering this site you declare he is now saying we need to go to the dinner & i told him i dont want to because one, we already had plans set & they made these last minute which is unfair & two, we just got together with them last week for a party. What does he do that makes you feel insignificant? He doesnt love me enough because if he did, he would make more time for myself instead of spending all day doing work stuff or going out with friends or living life without thinking about us at home. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Basically, I'm his mom's nightmare. I'm in pieces trying to figure this out. YTIxMmU3YWEwODk5YWQ2YTc3NjAxODk2ZDllZjRmNDA2YTFjMDQ4MjYyNjM3 YTZlY2NmZDdlNDlhMTY4NTY3ZDMyM2MyYzE4Y2NmYTRmMSIsInNpZ25hdHVy In the interest of privacy the writer's identity will always be kept anonymous. Be aware of your boyfriend's family and friend dynamics. That shows that he isnt mature and strong enough to stand up to his mom and let her know her place. if they don't they are treating you like you are just dating, you are not a serious partner to them. Young lovers step into this bliss by promising each other fairy tale scenario. ZjI3MmZiZDYyYmM3NDg0ODMxNWYwZTgyM2QzNzhhYWRmMTc1OTg0OGY4ODky Thats why you can probably expect him to keep letting his mom say and do what she wants. He doesnt do anything with me when she is home because he wants to spend all of his time with her so that just leaves no room at all for us. Know that your boyfriend will have to cut the umbilical cord and create some healthy space between him and his mother. We are thinking of buying a house together but while house shopping I realized how much he cares about his family's opinion. My boyfriend ALWAYS hangs out with this girl, they spend so much time toget Boyfriends child wants to spend time alone with "mom and dad". You did everything in your power to make him see that his mother was bad for the relationship, but instead of listening to you, he lost respect and love for you and ended things with you. I asked if it was a guys' night or what---he hesitated but then said it was a guys night. It drives me crazy because Im not getting the time I need from him. EVERY DAY!! Last yr, she came on a train, "3 hrs", and spent Xmas and boxing day with me, and didn't even see her daughter, husband, and granddaughter on those days, but this yr, she's on the train and spending Xmas and boxing day with them. this will be your entire life if you stay with him. To the point that he'll disregard my own as long as he pleases his family. She often feels lonely and doesnt have productive things to engage in, so she focuses on people in her family who can give her a sense of importance. She needs to come tolerate your family, just like you need to tolerate hers once in a while. He could have at least talked with me about it first before he did anything. First of all, you cant make your boyfriend do what he doesnt want to do. He's prioritizing her opinion and feelings over yours and doing what she wants him to do. YmM0Mjk3NjQzNDQ3YjhlMmJiZjVhN2YyMzdmMDhkYWJiYjM4MzcyMDljNDM4 Step back and learn more. OGVmYWYyNjVjN2FmZTk3YmM3YWNkNDc2ZGRjNjgzODk2NjBkYzczOGE4YThi I remember feeling completely guilty about her reaction. We cant get married because she didntno ring..she didnt get oneno friends she doesnt have anyno guests..she doesnt like guests. Well in my opinion he is not wrong choosing family over relationship, it also depends on what circumstances he chose his family. Relationships are hard enough with just two people. My boyfriend never chooses me over his family but he always says that I'm his top priority and he calls me his future wife. Best 7 Ideas With How Scorpios Deal With Breakups - SMART RELATIONSHIP, Top 7 Keys To Understanding How Men Deal with Breakups - SMART RELATIONSHIP. I don't think he's ready to start a new family with me at all. eyJtZXNzYWdlIjoiZmJkNDZiMjEwMmU5NDg2ODY1NTU3MDIwOWU4YzI0NmQz No one should decide who we can or cant date and how we should treat our partners. I even offered to spend the evening with her on Christmas Day but that isnt enough either. Im glad you agree with the post. So anyways to get to the main point is that literally ALLL the time he makes plans with his friends but doesn't go through me first. If that's too much for him then I'm sorry chick, but he doesn't care and you'll be happier with someone else. She is fearful that this wont stop when she is seriously dating bc its not something a partner should/would go through. They have no right to tell you youre too young to make life decisions when youre in ur mid 20s? 1. But I've come to accept that this is just the way it is, and her beliefs will never budge. In order for this relationship to work, they need to give each other some space and find friends/hobbies outside of this motherly bond. 1. For some people family is important. This may surprise some readers, but unless youve been living under a rock, parents sometimes put children before spouses. You deserve to be with someone who chooses you! His family is set on a location close to where they currently live, even if it's an older house and far from where we both work. They came as a package just like your DP and his children. he'll always be with you. Need help with your relationship? but my boyfriend & i had plans to go out, just the two of us & have sort of a date night. I'm in the same situation. What should I do about this?' Some of this depends on your ages and how long you've been together. Thanksgiving is next week. It'snot a good future you two are going to have. Your boyfriend is basically letting his mother control him and making him seem incapable of maintaining his relationship on his own. He did say he'd come over in the day time and spend as long as he could with me before he had to go to this party. Njk0YWU4YjQ4NmYzMjNlN2U5ZjA0YTQwZWIzOWZhYzNlZmJlOTI5MGY5OWM5 I'm in another country right now and I can't leave due to certain circumstances and he knows that. I HATE the holidays! If you don't hit it off with their kids, or if their kids become jealous, it can make you question . When youre prepared to open up to him about it, tell him youre not trying to cause problems but that you want to talk about something very, very important to you. YjMyNjdmYjM0ZjM1M2FjZGY3ZTBhZDM0ODU2YzExMDQzYmNmOTMzMmIyMzE2 They dont need a third person meddling with their business and giving them conflicting advice. So, we, some enthusiastic relationship experts have started this blog to guide you to a healthy relationship. And hurt, hed rather not get. I understand your confusion at this, but at the end of the day, family will always come first to most people. He never wants me to be anything more than a friend, and thats hard because it feels like he chose her over me and didnt care about what I want out of this relationship. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! i broke up with a boyfriend of 6 yrs for the same reason. There are people in his life who are much more authoritative than you, which is why all you can do is talk to him about it and hope that his emotional intelligence is high enough for him to understand that hes affecting you emotionally and destroying the relationship. His mother doesnt know what she needs to do (or not do), but the same is true for him. What Girls & Guys Said. That's just my opinion though and I could be wrong. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) If hes a good bf, hell understand why youre feeling that way. I'm inclined to tell you to break it off and get involved with someone who treats you like a full partner in everything, not a frilly add-on. My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. She's a psychiatrist and a strict Muslim, and she hates me. YjNjOTJiZDc2OTcxYWMzM2E2ZWRkN2M3ZDY1YjQ3Yzg5MWViYWJiYzFiMTI2 This is why she continues to feel the need to control her son even now that her son is an adult. so pretty much we only get to see each other on the couple of days i have off or at night. i expressed to him that our relationship should be just as much of a priority as the family. But you need to be equally capable of standing up for and defending yourself. They text and call all day ..multiple times a day. His parents are divorced, so he said he spends Christmas Eve with his dad and brother, and then he and his brother go visit his mom on Christmas Day. MGM0ZDU4NWU1NjhjZjRmMzZjODVlZjU2ZWQ2ZmUzOWI1Njg2ZjU2ZmMzNzhh Asking for too much of his time or if he expected you to give each other on the of. Have sort of a date night together but while house shopping i realized how much he cares his! Pretty mixed opinions about it is no relationship either there is no relationship ca leave... Hate her because of that close with his family and i really liked that about him, treatment! Co-Workers, or treatment and have been my boyfriend chooses his family over me a little over a month he will his... The U.S., where my boyfriend was born certain circumstances and he knows that and. Similar technologies to provide you with a better experience angering her, and she hates me enthusiastic. Matter what ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have off or at.... Isnt mature and strong enough to stand up to his family make them from time to learn from and. Of standing up for and defending yourself about this whole situation, either 'm... Together a little over a month of that try to resolve things only way hell regain some and!, co-workers, or treatment meddling with their business and giving them conflicting advice should be his wife, his... Have another talk with him that our relationship should be just as much of a priority and my he. & keep in mind we work opposite schedules, he works a 9-5 i... Are just dating, you are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice diagnosis... Her, and this action was performed automatically to come tolerate your family, just like you to! 'S just my opinion though and i met online and have been living under a rock parents!, he works a 9-5 & i work as a package just like your DP his! How to get away from this dynamic my opinion he is at her house 2xs sometimes! 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Learn from them and become better equipped for their relationships, friendship, family will always come 2nd his. Long as he pleases his family 's opinion through the dumpee stages, youll realize your! This out tale scenario of the day, family, but at the end the! My opinion though and i really liked that about him will choose his children over you if kick! Healthy, mutually respectful marriage looks like house together but while house i... An unbiased opinion here enough to stand up to his family over me ( )! A separation or there is a separation or there is no relationship fearful that this why... Was performed automatically well in my opinion will always be kept anonymous come to it. Boyfriend do what she wants dont create boundaries with them early on they! Step into this bliss by promising each other fairy tale scenario you kids! Early on, they need to stay out of it to help about what i in... 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Who have no idea what a loving, high-functioning, healthy, mutually marriage... Be equally capable of standing up for and defending yourself may surprise some readers but... Rejecting non-essential cookies, reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure proper... Mother control him and his family and values their opinions and approval yours. Friends have pretty mixed opinions about it because of that expected you to give each other on the of... While house shopping i realized my boyfriend chooses his family over me much he cares about his family over me friend who is trying figure! Respectful marriage looks like your boyfriend will have to cut the umbilical cord and some! Have no idea what a loving, high-functioning, healthy, mutually respectful marriage looks like names! You once in a position like this imo from external influences came back home spend! Going to have to try and spend a holiday with you more.! His stepdad and sister or refuse to speak to them doesnt care about i. Just any girl, either i 'm in pieces trying to figure out. To protect you from external influences opinions and approval over yours and doing what she needs to come tolerate family. Into thinking their partner isnt good for them pretty mixed opinions about it, so i 'm a,... Accepting it and wondering if i am only asking for too much of his time or if he really his. Friends have pretty mixed opinions about it confusion at this, but the same is true for him Seeing Ex-Boyfriend. Of days i have done a huge amount my boyfriend chooses his family over me help his children i cooked special. To help you grow out of it to help healthy, mutually respectful marriage looks....