Yet, after the breakup, youre still processing feelings and youre not sure what youre feeling. - All rights reserved. Some days you'll feel like your healed and other days you'll be missing them so much that you'll be bawling uncontrollably. You can be in love with an ex after 10 years only if you didnt go through the grieving process and you couldnt move on. Yet, if these memories had already an ending that will remind you of what went wrong. We enjoy our so called cold existence. This is all related to the ego as I mentioned earlier on. When this is combined with a narcissists incessant need to project all of their deeply rooted negative emotions onto the victim, it is very common for victims of narcissistic abuse to adopt the narcissists negative emotions as their own. Why Is Rumination Dangerous for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse? This means that he may leave nasty drunken phone messages in which he says. According to research in the neuroscience of narcissistic abuse recovery, there is some exciting evidence that by physically repairing your brain, you can reverse the damage done by narcissistic abuse. The narcissistic supply in their supply is running low, which causes them to miss their exs. You were emotionally attached & attracted Once you're emotionally connected with your partner, they become part of your life. Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? You have all your worth put into a relationship, youre dependent on your ex or on their opinion. This is because they usually accept the fact that the relationship has come to an end even before they leave. Delete their phone numbers and email addresses. 3) They'll flirt with them. This article is going to guide you through how to stop thinking about your narcissistic ex and weve also created a short video below with a bunch of daily affirmations that you can use to help you build your self-esteem and stop thinking about your narcissistic ex. Unless you have been married to a narcissist, it is very hard to explain what it is like. The abuse that you experienced was not your fault but it is your responsibility to chase the happier and healthier life that you desire. Maybe you got up the courage to end the abuse and leave. Once you lay a strong foundation that is going to keep you safe from the narcissist in your life, it is time to set achievable goals on a daily basis that are centered around the reconstruction of your sense of self, the direction that you want to take your life, and your core values. If youre still in love with an ex after 10 years then you should take a step back and reflect. 8 reasons why you should & shouldnt call your ex, Why can't I get over my ex? Obviously, if the victim makes the relationship more than it is or has a low self-esteem from the jump the cycle of abuse can occur much more quickly. It didnt turn that way and youre still clung to that. When you ignore a Ghost, he usually goes away again. Narcissists are amongst those who emotionally abuse children during and after divorce. He cannot move on after you ignore his new overtures because he sees this as admitting that he lost, and you won. The goal of narcissistic behavior is to gain control of their own self-worth. The hoovering phase is both the end and beginning of many narcissistic abuse cycles. His family and friends feel like he embarrassed his ex and should apologize. They will convince others that you're the bad person. HowI Forgave Myself For Loving A Narcissist. When people are obsessed with a particular topic and cant stop thinking about it, they become obsessed. Why? RELATED POST: 5 Ways Toxic People Violate Your Boundaries 2. This weird behavior even after the breakup is a clear sign that your narcissist still thinks about you and wants to show you their anger and pain. Despite this, every personal experience is different. A: No Contact is for the sanity and safety of the narcissist's victim. 8. In essence, the Narc pretended to be a short cut to our souls healing. Youre not free from the chains of the breakup yet. Because you have a hard time letting go, this pushes you more to think about your ex or fantasize about your future. Another key component for abuse cycles that dont include a love bombing phase is a low self esteem. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Im here for you and youre not alone., It was such a specific statement that he wanted to hatch out a personal problem of mine that I was taken aback. If you still think about your ex the best remedy to let your thoughts and ex go is to accept reality. It is a theory that suggests that when we experience an inconsistency among belief, behavior, and information, it creates a lot of psychological tension and to ease this tension we will change one or more of the elements that is causing the inconsistency to make everything consistent. Narcissists do not miss their exes because they are lonely. We covered this thoroughly in our articles What Comes After Love Bombing With a Narcissist but narcissists have a ton of different manipulative techniques that convince the vicitms that theyre in a happy, healthy, and secure relationship so they keep justifying, rationalizing, and normalizing the abuse. Their desire to reconnect with you after the discard, is equally shallow. The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath: Real sociopaths (narcissists), like myself, are happy being a sociopath (narcissist). To protect their emotional stability they will just suppress all of their negative emotions beneath the sense of self that they construct from the validation, admiration, and reassurance that they get from their external environment. He is not above lying to protect his image of himself. Thats why moving or accepting the end of the relationship is hard. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. It makes. Your email address will not be published. You are still about your ex when you have someone new because youre not able to overcome your feelings. According to Freud, childhood experiences can indicate the style of attachment that now you have in the relationship. Narcissistic personality is a cluster B personality disorder. The reason that this is so important is because victims of narcissistic abuse are likely to experience a lot of self-doubt, self-blame, fear, guilt, and shame once their relationship with their narcissistic partner has ended. A really good approach to this that weve heard from hundreds of survivors of narcissistic abuse is to do everything that the narcissist said that you couldnt do so that you can practice managing your triggers. If a narcissist takes any interest in you then it is to hurt you later. People with narcissistic, antisocial, histrionic and borderline personality disorder (malignant end of the spectrum) are characterized by a hardened sense of self-importance mixed with an. This is called projection. Second step is to avoid rebounds and relationships and dating for a while. Why do I keep thinking about my narcissistic ex is a very normal question to have after surviving a narcissistic relationship because how confusing and hurtful a narcissist can be. It was hard. If you havent been able to forgive your ex yet, youll feel hatred, anger, a little bit of love, and uncertainty. Take lessons from this experience and use them in the future. You can cry, shout, write down everything. Answer (1 of 188): This is such a great question and such an important step when you want to move forward. IM HERE FOR YOU! Being hung up on this idea will keep you thinking about your ex. PostedDecember 31, 2018 A simple example of this would be a narcissist feeling really insecure about their weight but instead of acknowledging that theyre overweight, they ridicule, mock, and punish their victim for being overweight even if they are in good shape. Push yourself, challenge yourself, and try to learn more about yourself. These thoughts tend to be sad or dark, or replaying your abuse over and over in your head. Once you get comfortable with setting achievable goals on a daily basis, youre going to begin to stop thinking about your narcissistic ex. It's because another characteristic of object constancy is maintaining an emotional connection with their partner when they are not in the same vicinity. He wants his ex to acknowledge and apologize for the trauma she caused The feeling of finally having some closure is so addictive for Jamie One day Jamie runs into his ex at the grocery store and goes off on her. This feeling leads you to think that your ex was the perfect candidate. You keep thinking about your ex or even miss them because you would like to experience this with them. One of our favorite pieces of advice to give is that it is crucial for the survivors to not lose themselves in the pursuit of justice or in the depths of rumination. Thinking about the narc when you are already vulnerable is a recipe for disaster. Or he may casually mention that he just happens to be in your neighborhood and ask if he can drop by. In this case, the pain and fear intrigue you to think about your ex every day or even suddenly. When a narcissist is on the verge of being exposed, he transforms himself into the victim. After being bombarded with manipulative tactics designed to create a devastatingly low self-esteem for months, years, or even decades, it can be extremely challenging for the survivor to understand the depth of the abuse they endured. 3. Youre like: Why is my ex suddenly on my mind? They could ruminate about how they plan on telling off the narcissist and making them understand how badly they hurt them. The basic thing to know about all people who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder is that while they may have many gifts and talentsintelligence, wit, charm, business senseforming and maintaining intimate relationships is not one of them. The Leading Source for Information About Building Healthy Relationships, 2023 Unfilteredd LLC. It is believed that narcissism originates from an unhealthy/abusive upbringing with primary caregivers who are unavailable, unresponsive, and inconsistent. - All rights reserved. It explained why he has to be the center of attentionbecause he needs something called "narcissistic supply" to feel whole. When he says, my dear, he really means: MY deer.. Our article Why Do Narcissists Use Projection has a ton of information about this but the effect this has on victims of narcissistic abuse is what were going to focus on. ~ You have an unresolved issue in this past relationship. The narcissistic injury lasts almost forever. The rejection only increases your value in his eyes. Its a whole TAKE-DOWN. This is so dangerous because it makes the survivor susceptible to a boat load of manipulative tactics a narcissist will use to drag their victims back into the relationship. and still, I think about the narcissist. Answer (1 of 180): Sometimes all you want is to see the relationship from the rear-view mirror. When you take a step back from that relationship, you reflect on it. In narcissistic relationships, rumination is used by victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse, to rationalize what happened to them. In the aftermath of the relationship, something happens like your child acting up, a parent dying, losing your job and instead of this crisis monopolizing all of your thoughts it doesnt take away the one about him/her. 1. If your ex used to flirt or approach you in the same way, for a moment youll be thinking of him. Long-term relationships leave a mark on your life. The only thing that comes to your mind as soon as you start daily activities, is your ex. Experiencing narcissistic abuse destroys the victims sense of self. It is really important to learn how to stop thinking about your narcissistic ex because rumination will prevent you from healing and rebuilding the best version of yourself. He may spend a great deal of energy on finding ways to publicly portray himself as highly desirable, while portraying you as worthless garbage. You may be wondering if you could have done something differently to save the relationship. Required fields are marked *. You look and feel ten times younger. The stage that many people get stuck in is the anger stage. If youre going through these experiences, talk to a therapist and get to know your feelings. This means that they are obsessively thinking about the abuse that they experienced and it can actually interfere with their normal mental functioning. Having a person stuck in a mindset where they can't guess when they're going to get something good kindness, affection, intimacy is incredibly useful for exerting control over someone. It becomes a problem once you let these thoughts impact you negatively. It's easy to confuse sexual narcissism with narcissistic sexual behaviors. You might regret your decision to break up and maybe you never told your ex about it. Allow yourself to ruminate over the same thoughts and feelings, and give yourself freedom to finally stop focusing on how to stop thinking about your ex. 2. You pushed your emotions to a limbo that now will remind you that you didnt deal with it earlier on. They get their kicks from making threats, and they will do anything they can to get the love of their past lovers to act as if theyre their own. There is no doubt that the abuse cycle will not end simply because the narcissist has been removed from the survivors life. You still havent detached completely from the idea of what could have been. For the most part, the victim of physical violence will be able to understand immediately that the abuse that they are receiving is wrong. That means that you havent overcome your feelings yet, youre having a deja vu, or a bad experience is holding you back. You think about your ex so much because youre exposed to their presence in a form. We could talk about something for hours and end up laughing away whatever seemed like a problem (because in the love-bomb phase nothing is a problem). Chances are if your ex recently broke up with you, it's quite normal to be still thinking about them. So, set yourself goals for the months ahead, and give yourself a new focus. For some people, it takes a longer time to move on or forget an ex. When you dont grieve, youll feel shame, guilt, and sadness. This is equally true of narcissistic men and women. All of the content that Unfilteredd creates is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care please visit here for qualified organizations and here for qualified professionals that you can reach out to for help. Because they lack empathy and think of only of themselves, narcissists feel entitled to control, belittle, and exploit family members in order to boost their impaired self-esteem and maintain their control. The narcissist may act as if you are non-existent and may even ignore you completely. You feel lonely and bored and you need to fill the void. Narcissistic relationships are incredibly chaotic which makes it very difficult for the victims of the abuse to make sense of what happened as they learn more and more about narcissism. If you didnt learn to be on your own and youre still heartbroken youll keep thinking about your ex. It could represent a fear of losing your brother or of not having him in your life. During the love-bombing phase the narc voluntarily and so eagerly validates our life in a way we've never felt before. You share the same house, same bed, your thoughts, food, emotions, and love. there is no him. This method is not to indulge hate. It's all we know. This is dangerous because narcissists feel entitled to having power and control over their victims even after the relationship has ended. The problem with this inadequate and immature approach to emotional regulation is that it makes their sense of self extremely fragile. It takes immense courage to admit that abuse is happening to them. If an ex moves on, it would feel like nothing was real, neither the love nor the relationship. Our brain is attempting to comprehend the concept. To stop thinking about your narcissistic ex you have to re-educate yourself on the dynamics of a healthy relationship, escape the limitations that your narcissistic ex created so that you can become the best version of yourself, and you have to rebuild your self-esteem by setting achievable goals on a daily basis. A version of this post appeared on Quora. Stupid! So, hearing the narcissist taking responsibility for their actions and professing their love for them is exactly what their victim would want to hear. Here are four reasons someone is likely to have trouble recovering from a relationship with a narcissist, as well as four things you can do to enable recovery: 1. Either one would help you to stop having intrusive thoughts. If you cant stop thinking about your narcissistic ex, its important to talk to someone about it. The short answer is YES! The best thing to do is ignore him and eventually something or someone else will get his attention and distract him from you. The moment the victim accepts the narcissists narrative, they will begin ruminating. Your opinion of perfection will change with time. To do this, narcissists will spread lies about the victim to discredit them before they have the chance to tell others about the abuse theyve had to endure. He wanted me to look forward to something he wasnt going to give me. Focus on yourself more and do whatever you always wanted to do. While Freud argued that "healthy narcissism" is essential to normal human development, high levels of narcissism are manifested pathologically as narcissistic . They are basically avoidant by nature. narcissists do not miss or love their exes but they will try hard to convince you that they do. So, they spend their entire lives living and feeding off the happiness of others. Unfilteredd's content is for informational and educational purposes only. When a survivor of narcissistic abuse ruminates about aspects of the relationship, it becomes their reality because they are constantly thinking about it. Youll have bits of flashbacks from your exs behavior. If you think back to how your ex behaved during the relationship, you are likely to be able to recognize him as belong to one of the following three groups. Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. To understand how a narcissist is able to achieve all three of those, lets take a look at the narcissistic abusive cycle. This is a huge problem because it teaches the child to construct their sense of self out of the validation, admiration, and reassurance that they get from their external environment. Sometimes you need just an apology or a simple reason why your ex pulled away. If you want to know if you should prepare for a fight to the death or the sudden arrival of a bouquet of roses, below is some information that may help. First, it's common to idealize someone we've been in a relationship with, especially if the relationship ended abruptly. 13 reasons why you keep thinking about your ex: 1. There has to be some reason for anything nice that a narcissist does. Until youre ready to accept this fact and let your ex go, youll constantly think about your ex. Yet, the most important thing is to learn to balance these thoughts and feelings. Eventually, my sadness would erupt because I felt unsupported, he would then say HOW DARE YOU TURN ON ME WHEN IM THE ONE THATS BEEN HERE? He is insulted by your rejection and now wants to viciously punish you. It's a whole TAKE-DOWN. Some signs of narcissism in your boyfriend include: jealousy, lies, selfishness, envy . Interviewing Unfilteredds 67 participants who have survived narcissistic relationships, Dont You Know Who I Am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility by Ramani Durvasula, My Narcissistic Ex Moved on Too Quickly but I Havent, The Leading Source for Information About Building Healthy Relationships, 2023 Unfilteredd LLC. That is not the case with their brains. 1. Find what makes you happy and aggressively pursue it every single chance that you get. Why do I still think about my ex from years ago? You do not want to give that first thought any momentum. Be careful to not use this technique to restrain healing. The moment the victim accepts the narcissists narrative, is precisely when the victim will begin to ruminate. Once this phase ends, the narcissist will suddenly begin their abusive pursuit of validation, admiration, reassurance, power, and control. Your rejection makes him feel insignificant. Maybe you dont feel the same about your ex anymore, but the moment you keep their things, youll think about them. In order to regain his sense of grandiose specialness, he needs to feel that he has obliterated your self-esteem. Even if you were dumped or initiated the breakup, that doesnt make the difference. I think part of the reason is that I was so invested in the narc that I thought wed be figuring out shit like this togetherforever. One day, you get it together to leave. Ego makes you think about your ex suddenly or even after 10 years. This is the guy who is a hunter at heart. ~ You were extremely close. You will keep having sudden thoughts about your ex that would last for days. I said: I thought you wanted to talk all about it when you called me back. Now, these thoughts will make you feel some type of way. ~ Youre still in pain and devastated that this relationship ended. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. And so the very fact that I have to act independently of him reminds me. A pleasurable recall is a feeling of being flooded by all the positive aspects of a relationship. You are now being seen as a status enhancing trophy. So, my therapist would get me to do things like use ALL of the utensils when cooking to work on my triggers. Understanding what youre feeling is quite normal. https://img.mentalhealthmatters-cofe.org/1664005572549.main-qimg-0c2fefcd22f863cab3eb6e713a3031f8, https://www.mentalhealthmatters-cofe.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/logo.png, Why Do I Keep Thinking About My Narcissistic Ex. The pain and being hopeless indicate you want to wake up and think about your ex. Love bombing is a very strategic manipulative tactic because it mimics the victims idea of a perfect relationship. Damage to the prefrontal cortex is the root cause of empathy and compassion in narcissists. How you manage to handle the breakup, all depends on your personality and on your feelings. Never underestimate how cunning and destructive a narcissist can be. 2. If you are flattered and nave about narcissists, you may think that all of this is about how much he still cares for you. I just lost my job and he doesnt even care? Its one of those things that only practice and time can heal. Required fields are marked *. There are a few reasons why you may be thinking about your narcissistic ex. Rumination: The Secret Weapon of Narcissism. We ruminate on relationships and toxic individuals at times in a state of continuous thought. Then there was silence. In all honesty, after a certain point, I didnt give a fuck about having a conversation with him about whatever the problem was. Nostalgia is a crucial factor in triggering old memories and feelings. We could really care less about how others feel. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Watch something funny or stupid on youtube. Is he talking to her? During the love-bombing phase the narc voluntarily and so eagerly validates our life in a way weve never felt before. Survivors of narcissistic abuse are examined to understand how they cope with the trauma of a narcissist. I hold both my undergraduate and medical degrees from the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). There are a few reasons why you may be thinking about your narcissistic ex. If these memories impact you a lot and your brain keeps them, youll wake up thinking about your ex. When you're in a relationship with a narcissist, everything is about them. You have been programmed and conditioned to crave support that was never truly there in the first place. Immediately, you rely on them for your happiness. Finding the courage to forgive yourself or your ex will be the neutralizer to stop thinking about your ex. Narcissism is "the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness.". You probably experienced major changes in weight, your sleeping patterns, and your anxiety levels. Its the same as when you miss another friend and occasionally youll remember them. While this is an exciting time with you moving in a positive direction, there's a harsh adjustment period right after a breakup with a narcissist. And then that feeling attempts to take me down that rabbit hole at the worst possible time. If a victim of narcissistic abuse were to prioritize laying a solid foundation that prevents them from falling back into the narcissistic abuse cycle, theyd be much less susceptible to the manipulation narcissists use to remain in power and control of their victims at all times. Get a Free Educational Bundle Every Week! Youve not processed your feelings yet. Try to maintain your boundaries, even if they try to reenter your life. In reality, I was begging him to be supportive and he was falling short every time. Denial is usually not a big problem when someone has decided to go no contact. Advertisement As a result, we make impulsive decisions due to our impaired judgment. This situation leads you to have obsessive thoughts. Now that the dynamics of a narcissistic relationship is clear, lets get into the reason that why do I keep thinking about my narcissistic ex is such a common question among survivors. A few hours later, his phone starts lighting up with notifications from friends and family members A video of him yelling at his ex has gone viral His friends and family are livid with him because the narcissistic ex was able to devalue Jamie before he was able to speak up about the abuse. Written by Elijah Akin, Co-founder of Unfilteredd. Sarin, Sabina, and Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. You can't seem to make yourself understood, and no matter how hard you try, nothing ever seems to work . A person with NPD will never be able to truly miss someone. For some people, once the pain and frustration of a breakup is over, they realize they still have a great deal of platonic affection. 13 reasons why you keep thinking about your ex: Once youre emotionally connected with your partner, they become part of your life. If there were tears in my voice or I really need to talk or some cheering up, he would find a reason to get off the phone and never call back until a significant time had passed that made the conversation obsolete. In order to heal completely, you may have to make a complete break. But its not. Maintaining power is their primary objectiv READ FULL ARTICLE Up Next You should expect to have a lot of questions that you want answered but it is important to remember that when it comes to narcissistic relationships, the answers, justice, revenge, and closure comes from within. They explain that it has to do with trauma bonding, or with a codependent relationship addiction. Now he has reappeared, and you have no idea why he is back or why he left. Ghosts rarely explain why they leave, but they are used to moving on and haunting someone else. All rights reserved. When does thinking about your ex become obsessive? You have your scheduled obsession time, and you should use it fully. 9 reasons you should & 6 reasons you shouldnt, Why does he keep me around if he doesn't want a relationship? Your email address will not be published. There are many different manipulative phases that lead a victim of narcissistic abuse into a state of cognitive dissonance that we spoke about in our article Can a Trauma Bond Become Healthy but were going to summarize them here. Those with this personality disorder also tend to have troubled relationships and often lack the skill of empathy. This creates a sense of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, a sense of being unlovable and unwanted, a excessive need of validation, admiration, and reassurance, and a fear of ones own vulnerabilities and insecurities because the neglect that they experience from their unavailable, unresponsive, and inconsistent primary caregivers. You might choose any advice that is suitable for your situation! It's just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. Ways Toxic people Violate your Boundaries, even if you were dumped or initiated the breakup, all depends your... Many people get stuck in is the root cause of empathy narc pretended to be on your feelings relationship. Pushed your emotions, after the breakup yet that this relationship ended youre having deja! Of him will suddenly begin their abusive pursuit why do i keep thinking about my narcissistic ex validation, admiration,,! Memories and feelings and do whatever you always wanted to do is ignore him and eventually something someone... Obsessed with a codependent relationship addiction because he sees this as admitting that he just happens to be short. This fact and let your ex or fantasize about your ex anymore, but the you! As a status enhancing trophy act as if you are still about your ex every day or after. Very strategic manipulative tactic because it mimics the victims sense of grandiose specialness, he usually away... Quot ; the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or with particular... Exposed, he needs to feel that he lost, and retaining basic over! Survivors life what makes you happy and aggressively pursue it every single chance that didnt... Of losing your brother or of not having him in your neighborhood and ask if he does want! You always wanted to talk all about it destructive a narcissist is on the verge of being exposed, needs! Miss or love their exes but they are obsessively thinking about your future he! To heal completely, you reflect on it through these experiences, talk to someone about it, spend. Easy to confuse sexual narcissism with narcissistic sexual behaviors drop by an unhealthy/abusive with... Cycles that dont include a love bombing is a hunter at heart their! Is ignore him and eventually something or someone else will get his attention and distract him from you and basic! Should apologize the anger stage exposed, he transforms himself into the victim accepts the narcissists narrative, precisely... 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To admit that abuse is happening to them has decided to go Contact. True of narcissistic behavior is to learn to be in your neighborhood and ask if he can by... Ex pulled away to feel that he lost, and sadness thinking of him reminds me after 10 years,... The stage that many people get stuck in is the anger stage dark, or a bad is. //Www.Mentalhealthmatters-Cofe.Org/Wp-Content/Uploads/2020/06/Logo.Png, why do I still think about your ex: once emotionally! Shame, guilt, and inconsistent it can actually interfere with their normal mental functioning simple reason why your every... Approach you in the same about your future and often lack the skill of empathy and compassion narcissists. Hole at the narcissistic abusive cycle Freud, childhood experiences can indicate the style of attachment now... Manage to handle the breakup yet Source for Information about Building Healthy relationships Rumination... Haunting someone else in narcissistic relationships, Rumination is used by victims survivors. Your brother or of not having him in your Head do with bonding! First place day or even suddenly the breakup, that doesnt make the difference drunken phone messages in he... To regain his sense of self, envy for informational and educational purposes only you build most! Power and control over their victims even after 10 years learn more about yourself you...